You have lupus, Lupus Doesn’t have you- worst flare and day rolled into one 

My worst flare Actually happened last year. Wednesday 28th of January 2016 to be precise . The day my family, family friends an I lay my Nana to rest. Emotional Stress one triggers that can set off a flare up and of course during this period it was awfully stressful. 

The day started with me waking up at 8am after going to bed 5am. This was because I had been up all night cooking some of the food for the funeral. When I woke My body was aching, I mean screaming for me to lay still and not move for a while. It’s difficult to explain the feeling I felt that morning. But the closest I image I can give u is, Imagine you are rushing around your house and you bash your shin on the corner of a wooden table. You get the initial pain that if you are like me has you saying all kind of fudging fricketty fracks. Then u start to walk it off or rub it and u get an annoying throbbing feeling. Now take that throbbing feeling times it by 1000 and imagine that feeling in your legs and shoulder muscles. As I swong my legs out of the bed and dragged myself out I noticed that my right knee was swollen and when applying pressure it hurt. At this point I was thinking  @#%##@#% great!!!. I then remembered I had to make the Mac and cheese as I was to tired to finish making it the night before. So I went to the bathroom to freshen up then headed down stairs to the kitchen and started to make the Mac and cheese.

During me preparing the Mac and cheese I had been mentally preparing myself for the day ahead. My legs were aching, I was unable to apply a lot of pressure on my right leg due to my knee and I could feel my anxiety rising. The thought of staying home seemed so appealing. I wanted the food to be collected without having to face anyone or go through with the funeral. I guess a small part of me hoped as stupid as it sounds that no funeral means she wasn’t dead. Not only was I struggling with anxiety and my body aching, But mentally I hadn’t gotten my head around the fact she has actually died. For the 6 months prior my mother and I had been her careers. So there wasn’t a day I didn’t see her. She was the first person I saw every morning and the last person I saw every night. She had both Systematic Lupus Erythematous and Breast Cancer.  

I remember thinking about how much I hate the both of them and how their  destroying lives left, right and centre. I opened the oven door and allowed the hot air out. Placed the Mac and cheese in the oven and felt the warmth of the oven graze my hand as it normally did and then It started to feel different. I felt the weirdest sensation I have even felt. I felt like I was being scratched by a tiny needle repeatedly on the back of my hand. With each scratch I felt a sense of relief. My hairs on the back of my neck and arms started to stand on end. As I pulled my hand away from the oven and looked at it I could see the tiny lines on the back of my hand split. I watched as my skin reacted to how stressed I was getting thinking about everything. I didn’t have a clue what to do I stood there shaking, shocked at what I could see and feel. It felt so surreal. Once it had stopped I had little scratches that covered the knuckles on my right hand, In between and somewhat up my fingers. All I wanted to do is cry. Mentally it was to much to deal with.  I wrapped my hand in a tea towel and started  packing up the food that was ready to go. I returned to my room, removed the towel and tears streamed down my face. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. I’d lost a big part of me, my legs were killing me and then my hand wanted to start getting in on the action. It was becoming to much. I sat and stared at myself in the mirror and realised that I had a flare on my face. Which meant my makeup won’t look right and would  start to irritate my skin. At this point I laughed. Literally laughed looking at myself in the mirror. I remember thinking there isn’t anything else that could possibly go wrong. I Sighed, took a few minutes to collect my thoughts and quickly put on makeup.

On a day like that all I can do is laugh, think positively and acknowledge some things are out of my control, Well to an  certain extent.  My onlu option was to plaster a smile on my face and push through. What else was I to do? Cry in bed?. There is only so much of that I can do before I start to annoy myself. Plus I had to remind myself of my nans battle. she remained so positive how can I be crying over this when she fought all the way to her last breathe. 

Everyone has bad days, we all have days were things happen that are out of our control. The key is to acknowledge it. Acknowledge that it is out of your control  and try to find a positive in the situation. It may be easier  said than done but the more you do it the easier it will become. Train your brain to focus on the positive, to embrace the small things and be grateful for the life you have. 


2 thoughts on “You have lupus, Lupus Doesn’t have you- worst flare and day rolled into one 

  1. Miles Per Month says:

    Hi Jade, I’m Talia and a fellow lupus warrior in NY. I lost my grandmother a few weeks ago and it definitely set me into a flare. This post speaks to me on that level. Though we don’t have the same story, it’s always nice to know there are people that understand you out there 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. raspberries & brownies says:

    Hi Talia, I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for your message I truly appreciate it. Although the situations are not the happiest I totally agree. It’s always nice to feel like u aren’t the only one that goes through this kind of stuff. I hope your flare calms down and you are more at peace with your loss 💕


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